In love with solitude until...

2/05/2020





I’m getting personal this week, hope you don’t mind.


I’m one of those people that is in love with solitude. Like, I really like being by myself. I cherish the quiet that comes with no one else being around and the only noise that come is the noise I choose to have.


I am in love with solitude.


This is why being single for over three years and celibate for two years and seven months doesn’t really bother me. It is also why I haven’t taken myself seriously whenever I decide I want to date, because let’s be honest, it’s been over a year (almost two years) since I’ve been on a date.


This isn’t a plea for dating help. Again, I am in love with solitude.


That is until the rare moment when loneliness creeps in. Yes, it is totally possible to be in solitude and not feel lonely. I’m not lonely, most of the time. I have family and friends I can hang out with and share things with when and if I so choose. However, not that long ago, a wave a loneliness hit me out of nowhere and I found myself desperately wanting to spend time with someone special. Not doing anything specific, but just sharing time, space, laughs, and yes…orgasms.


Now, this led me to do something stupid.


Yup, I reached out to someone that’s been in and out of my life for about a decade now. Someone who I know damn well does not deserve any special piece of me in any way. Someone who has shown to not value me even on a friendship level. So, I really know better.


Now I’ve never been sexual with this person (they live in another state) but there’s always been talk of that between he and I. We’ve even talked about the possibility of there being an “us” in the past, but it never happened usually because he did something to break my trust. Nevertheless, I reached to him. He responded, but not in the way I had hoped in that moment (and now I’m glad he didn’t respond how I had hoped).


I proposed me coming through for a weekend. He asked me about what emotional state I would be in afterwards if I did. Was not expecting that.


At first, I said I didn’t know then immediately corrected myself. I did know. I would have felt like shit. I would have been upset with myself for letting go of my celibacy for something I knew would not last and was less than what I deserve. Less than the reasons why I chose to become celibate in the first place.


But don’t women do this all the time? Have a moment of loneliness and hit up the one (or two depending on the situation) you know you shouldn’t hit up for some fun that will eventually leave you feeling more empty than when you started?


Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?


Because in that moment, we are more focused on what we do not have. In a moment of loneliness, not having someone can seem HUGE. But it’s really not. There are so many things we have going on in our lives that deserve our attention, recognition, appreciation, and praise.


After my rant to him about what I really wanted in that moment (he probably thinks I’m bat shit crazy now), I took stock in what I do have, how much I have grown and flourished in other areas of my life. And just like that, the feeling of loneliness was gone.


That’s not to say I want to be single for the rest of my life. I know what I want and what I’m holding out for. That is worth every fleeing moment of loneliness I’ve had and will have until I get it.


To all my fellow single ladies out there that may struggle with loneliness from time to time or constantly, keep holding on. Keep holding out. Take inventory of the things you are grateful for. It will help in manifesting the things you actually want.