BDSM, Blacks, and the public


Apparently, this week and next week topics are all BDSM related. If you follow me on IG (@porshadeun) then you saw my latest IGTV episode discussing BDSM and God. There is a follow up episode to that coming next week. This week’s blog post is no different, just looking at a different angle.

I hear this a lot, given the genre of my published works: Black people don’t do BDSM.

That is not true. Not even a little bit.

I personally know a number of Black men and women who get down in the lifestyle. There’s a good chance you know a few too. You just don’t know you know people in the lifestyle because society judges and shuns kinksters.

Think about a time when you told your friends about something you were into sexually and the room got uncomfortably quiet or your friends immediately started talking about how they could never do that. That awkward feeling is what lifestylers feel on a much grander scale if they were to open up about their BDSM loving side and why for the most part, they don’t.

Note: If the above example has never happened to you, it’s because you were the judgey friend that either got quiet or loudly proclaimed you could never do such and such. Congrats, you’re a prude.

As humans we love to judge people as I just did, whether we mean to our not. We can’t help it. But there are moments when judging someone turns into public, self, or small group persecution. We don’t have to think back very far to bring to mind a number of quite unfortunate and sometimes tragic occurrences of someone judging another person’s lifestyle and/or identity and relentlessly attacking them verbally or physically.

Our history is full of these incidents, whether it was over gender, sexuality, race, who they loved, or even how many they love. Yet somehow society still doesn’t seem to learn the intended lesson of acceptance and tolerance.

Speaking of, is the Brown Family still on TLC with their show Sister Wives? Love the show but haven’t watched it in some time.


It’s because of this that BDSM lifestylers don’t announce it to the world, let alone those close to them. Though the lifestyle is a part of who they are, to announce to everyone they know and meet they are some form of Dominant or submissive knowing the likely fallout of said announcement would be like stitching a scarlet letter onto your own flesh.

With that said, you most likely know someone or three in the lifestyle. It’s much more common than you think. If someone opens up to you about their BDSM lifestyle, try not to judge. Listen with an open mind. It doesn’t mean you have to participate in it or even understand it, but clearly this person trusts you. You are important to them. Don’t make them regret it and feel like the friendship was for not.

Kindness is key.

Until next time!